Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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