i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
