i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
