So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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