TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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