My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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