Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
