He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
