...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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