u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
