We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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