i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
