why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
