my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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