I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
