i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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