hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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