Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
