He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
