Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
