You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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