how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
