sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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