I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
