My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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