I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
