We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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