The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
