The maid of honor just puked.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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