i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize