If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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