u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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