dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize