im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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