I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
