Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize