This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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