Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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