things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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