Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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