Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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