By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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