i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
