Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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