We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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