so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
