Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
