Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
