Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Damn victory sex feels great
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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