i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
