Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
