If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
