My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
