you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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