Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
