I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
