I want to stick my p in your. b.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
