I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Randomize
