Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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