You smell like a Billy Joel song
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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