You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
