My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I wish you could order shots online.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
