just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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