I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
