Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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