I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
