I am in a vortex of obligation.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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