who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
