At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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